Starting a Blog Post
Blogging about How To Accept MS? Not Now!
I didn’t plan to blog about my Multiple Sclerosis until October. The Gold Doubloons, book three in my Jerome Mysteries trilogy, is due to my publisher mid-September. This blog was supposed to wait until that book was finished. But instead of plotting clues, I’ve been in bed for the last eight days. All I can think about is my MS.
Denial
So what happened? Too much travel, the result of three deaths in my family and a writer’s retreat I was determined to go to, used up every bit of my strength, including what few reserves I had. I knew three trips in three months was a lot for me with my MS, but I was sure I could handle it. I would take naps, pace myself, use my hiking poles for short walks and my wheelchair for longer distances. Sure I’d be tired, but the writer’s retreat would energize me after the sorrow.
Anger
But things didn’t work out that way. By the time I got to the writer’s retreat, I was so exhausted my blood pressure shot up, and I narrowly escaped a trip to the Emergency Room. As I lay in bed in a hotel room instead of talking writing with my colleagues, I got angry. I had spent the weeks between my trips resting like I was supposed to. How dare my MS interfere with my getaway?
Bargaining
I was smart enough to realize being mad would keep my blood pressure high. So I started to figure out how I could work with my MS. I went through the retreat program and identified the high-priority sessions. In between, I would rest. By the time I got home, I would be ready to write.
Depression
Again, things didn’t work out as planned. When I got home, I collapsed. I was in my own bed this time, but I wasn’t working on The Gold Doubloons. Anger gave way to frustration and finally to depression. I write slowly–because of my MS–and I became convinced that not only would I never finish that book, I would never write again.
Sound Familiar?
I’m sure you recognize the steps I went through as the stages of grief that precede acceptance. I was diagnosed with MS fourteen years ago–surely I should have accepted the disease by now. But as my MS progresses, it steals more pieces of my life as I knew it. First, it took away hikes into the dramatic canyons of the West, then leisurely strolls on the rolling trails of Arkansas. Now it promises a wheelchair. That’s just my walking. MS continues to offer me many reasons to grieve.
How to Accept MS–Again
Am I caught in a never-ending cycle? I hope not! Recently I encountered a definition for acceptance that short-circuits my looping grief process. A meditation course in acceptance on Headspace (an app I use on my phone) suggests that to accept we stop resisting what is so we can be open to possibilities we haven’t noticed. When I put this concept into practice, I went straight to the question, “Now what?”
Here’s how it’s working so far.
- I’m exhausted from too much travel. Now what? Rest.
- My writing schedule is off track. Now what? Wait.
- I can’t get into story mode. Now what? Write about MS.
Surprise! The Gold Doubloons is stirring in my head again. I bet tomorrow…
What about You
Because you’ve read this far, I imagine you have MS or another chronic health condition. How do you accept each new challenge?
A passionate reader, I began writing as a young girl. After graduating from college, I became a teacher. Over the course of my career, I taught high schoolers, college undergraduates, and public school teachers how to write personal narratives, expository and persuasive essays, as well as poetry and short fiction. I continued to write: publishing professional articles, two textbooks, short stories, and poetry. In 2013, I won first place in Romantic Suspense in the ACFW Genesis Contest.
That loop of thought you mentioned keeps a lot of us whirling without taking us anywhere. It doesn’t need to be grief or loss. It can be a myriad of human circumstances that shove us into the cycle and then taunt us for our inability to escape. Your article made me think of my childhood and how I loved jumping rope. Double Dutch was my favorite. I wasn’t looking for a way to escape the cycling ropes. Most of the fun and excitement came as I waited for opportunity to jump in. Those moments are worth the wait. I don’t have MS, and I don’t jump rope these days, but I do get your message. Thanks Suzanne.
I have been cycling through accepting staying my current and future life. I had big dreams of traveling after I retired from my government career. Now, hubby’s health issues, the resurgence of Covid and the reduced amount of money we have is derailing those plans. Now what? At the same time, my new “career”as a fiction author is taking shape. God said “No” to some of my plans because He had a bigger and more exciting “Yes” in mind!
What a great example of learning acceptance! As our lives unfold, we often have to give up our earlier dreams, but God is always there to make our lives new. Thanks for sharing.
I used to love to jump rope too, Rita! It’s a great visual of the cycle. Thanks for sharing.
You inspired me so much at the conference! I’m glad you were able to come and I’ll be praying for your recovery from all the travel. The Gold Doubloons is a fascinating story!