FORGIVENESS CAN SEEM IMPOSSIBLE
Forgiving is hard. When we face the unforgivable, forgiving seems impossible. My experience with the impossible sort of forgiveness was so common, it’s trite: I trusted my husband; he repeatedly broke my trust. That wasn’t enough–he blamed me. Finally he told me I left him no choice but to divorce me. I couldn’t believe it. For a long time I lived in a dark fog. Then came the day when I yearned to return to the sunshine.
THE ART OF FORGIVING
That was when I discovered Lewis Smedes’ book, The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don’t Know How. I read it over and over until I understood and forgave. Here’s a quick overview of Smedes’ book, but please don’t stop here. Get the book, read it, and then re-read it.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS
Smedes begins with the assumption that we don’t really know what forgiveness is. Our culture has so diluted forgiveness as to totally confuse us. Forgiveness, he claims, is reserved for serious wounds. When we forgive, we forgive people for what they do, not for who they are. Forgiveness, he says, is a process with three stages:
- We rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us.
- We surrender our right to get even.
- We revise our feelings toward the person who hurt us.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
Smedes also counters common misconceptions about forgiveness. First, forgiveness doesn’t happen between two people: it happens inside the person who was wounded. Second, forgiveness is not about reunion with the person who hurt us. Forgiveness does not obligate us to go back to the person who hurt us.
WHY WE FORGIVE
Smedes claims two compelling reasons to forgive. We forgive because we are forgiven people. “Forgive us our sins” comes before “as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” We forgive others because God forgives us. We also forgive because it’s the only way to heal from past wounds.
YOUR TURN
Has someone you trusted ever seriously wounded you? How did you forgive? How long did it take?
A passionate reader, I began writing as a young girl. After graduating from college, I became a teacher. Over the course of my career, I taught high schoolers, college undergraduates, and public school teachers how to write personal narratives, expository and persuasive essays, as well as poetry and short fiction. I continued to write: publishing professional articles, two textbooks, short stories, and poetry. In 2013, I won first place in Romantic Suspense in the ACFW Genesis Contest.
Suzanne, I like the thought that forgiveness doesn’t happen between two people but in the heart of the one hurt. I have found this to be true. You can “forgive” but the memory remains, and perhaps the scars, and most definitely the ramifications. But it takes forgiveness in your heart to help erase the pain and truly forgive. This is an excellent point that needs emphasized for all of us. Forgiveness is not between two people, but in the heart of the one hurt.
Yes, I have been wounded and the scar is deep. I try not to carry it with me like baggage. But the pain remains. If we refuse to forgive and wear the pain like a badge of courage, we lose. It takes more courage to forgive and walk away.